I don’t make personal posts very often at all, I try to avoid them the best I can as it clogs up my blog a bit. But I think its fair to explain why I haven’t uploaded anything in a while.
I don’t know if its a common thing amongst creative types like sculptors, photographers, designers, illustrators etc. But lately I’ve felt the fear of ‘not being good enough’. It really gets in the way of work; it makes you spend hours watching stupid TV series’ and playing games on Steam, and no amount of time is spent working in a sketchbook like you should be. I wouldn’t describe it as laziness but it definitely feels like laziness, and the more you beat yourself up about it the less you want to do work. you have a deep fear of ‘would I ever have a job in this, am I even good at this, why am I even bothering?’
Its difficult to get past that, and every time you feel a break through something small happens that pushes you back to square one and you realise that you still aren’t good enough. The small thing could be rejection from jobs, not selling any pieces, a bad grade, or even just a paranoid thought. What I hate is that I feel this constant voice telling me to do some work, and I know I really should do it… but I compromise with myself and say ‘one more episode of south park’ or ‘just one more game of Team Fortress’.
At the end of the day I’ve done nothing and I tell myself ‘tomorrow morning you’re going to draw something.’ But you can guess how that turns out.
Eventually if I ever do draw something whilst in this mood, I just stop trying. I make lazy drawings and half-assed attempts to atleast feel like I’ve done some work but if anything it makes it worse, because then people can see how lazy I’ve been.
I don’t know why this fear is there and I don’t know why I get it, I don’t know why I stop working when I do get it and I really don’t know how to get rid of it! I see some truly beautiful pieces of work on Tumblr, and I get so jealous and depressed about it because I want to be that good. What depresses me is that its my own fault I’m not that good because I haven’t made the effort and again, I return to playing games.
Anyway, that’s why I haven’t uploaded much in a while. I hope you understand and it does feel good to vent it even if no one does read it, or l might lose a few followers. I have some truly loyal followers who are patient, understanding and very friendly so its them that I’m apologising to. If any feel the need to unfollow me after this well… numbers don’t matter that much. That’s something I need to obsess about a lot less.